The adolescent brain

If you have ever parented a pre- or early adolescent, you know it can be challenging. I currently have four living here now and have survived seven others. (I've written about surviving it in Parenting and Homeschooling an Early Teen.) When I come across actual brain science to back up my opinions, I like to share them. For instance, this:

After the elementary school years, the young child enters the preadolescent period marked by new brain changes. The rapid growth of synapses that characterized the first three years of life returns again during this pre-pubertal phase, and cognitive functions may actually become less efficient as this excess in connectivity may decrease the speed of information processing.

As adolescence begins, the second genetically programmed growth of synapses is followed by a long decade of brain remodeling that involves programmed destruction of neurons and their connections that are not being used. This parcellation process in which connections are pruned is thought to be a 'use-it-or-lose-it' neural reshaping that is exacerbated by stress. Such a period of brain change is also marked by vulnerability, as underlying neural deficits, unrealized before adolescence, may become exposed by the pruning process.

Many changes in adolescent executive function and social cognition may be due to this cortical restructuring, especially in the prefrontal areas. During this period there may be instability in the nine prefrontal functions ... including emotional balance, insight, and empathy. The 'low road' of functioning, with temporary disabling of the prefrontal intergrative functions, may be more likely to occur during this period. If we offer children before they reach puberty the sense of connection and the social and emotional skills of reflection – experiences that bolster important executive prefrontal circuits – the path of adolescence may be improved.              — from The Mindful Brain by Daniel J. Siegel, pp. 272-273

My cliff notes version of that? Pre-adolescence really is like a second toddlerhood because the brain is doing the same things. And if it seems as though you child has lost their mind, in a sense they have. Did you catch the temporary loss of emotional balance, insight, and empathy in adolescence? Adolescents are pretty much working with a brain that is significantly under construction and not all parts are available for use. 

The prescription for survival, other than having a healthy and abundant sense of humor (which I really think Dr. Seigel should have mentioned), is connection and social and emotional skills before they start the brain remodeling process. I'm sure he goes on later to say why this is, but I'll share my opinion. To do so, I need to share another quote from earlier in the book.

When relationships between parent and child are attuned, a child is able to feel felt by a caregiver and has a sense of stability in the present moment. During that here-and-now interaction, the child feels good, connected, and loved. The child's internal world is seen with clarity by the parent, and parent comes to resonate with the child's state. This is attunement.

Over time, this attuned communication enables the child to develop regulatory circuits in the brain – including the integration of prefrontal fibers – that give the individual a source of resilience as he or she grows. This resilience takes the forms of the capacity for self-regulation and engagement with others in empathetic relationships. Here we see that interpersonal attunement – the fundamental characteristic of a secure attachment – leads to empirically proven outcome measures we described above. (p. 27)

By attuning with our children – co-regulating – we are using our adult, fully-formed ability to regulate to essentially help train our child's ability to regulate. We are providing felt-safety, connection, attachment, and stability. Our child gains social and emotional skills and has a sense of place and safety with us. Then comes the storm or pre-adolescence when their brain essentially deconstructs itself in preparation to build their adult brain. If you have ever remodeled a house, you know that it is disruptive. Sometimes you have access to one room and not another, sometimes the water is turned off, sometimes the electricity is turned off, and sometimes there is a lull in the action when your contractor goes to do some work somewhere else. I think this is a perfect illustration of our children's brains at this stage. It is not all working, and what is working may stop working at any given moment. Eventually, the contractor does finish the job, and you are left (hopefully) with a better-functioning house. To continue the illustration, eventually the child is left with a functioning brain that is capable of much more than it was previously. 

I find that the bulk of the reconstruction is done somewhere between late 16 and 18, though you still encounter patches that need a few finishing touches. The trick is to survive until then. If you have created a relationship with your child previous to the upheaval, both you and your child have a foundation you can hold to while everything else if up for grabs. Without that foundation, or if there have been past traumas that have eroded that foundation, adolescence can be even more difficult. 

Compassion and connection continue to be the name of the game, though. None of us look back upon those years and think, "Boy, that was fun! I sure with I could relive my freshman year of high school!!" Relationship and connection is first. If you and your child can manage anything past that, it is icing on the cake. Think about your battles. Is it worth it? Will it matter in five years? Twenty? Probably not. Go back to the toddler basics... naps, snacks, and nurture.