Expectations

I've been thinking about this for a while, but decided to write about it after talking with a friend this afternoon. We both have children who span a wide range of ages, and both of us agree that give us a fussy baby or toddler any day because that seems so easy to manage. Were those fussy babies and toddlers easy in the moment? No (well, not the first ones, the latter ones seemed significantly easier, though if you've read here for a long time, you'll be aware that L. was not an easy baby or toddler) but this kind of proves my point. So much of it was my perspective. When L. and G. came along, I already had teens. I knew first hand exactly how fast the years go even if the hours can crawl. I really did regret being so focused on my first children making progress and learning new things and hitting the next benchmark that I forgot to really relish them as they were at that moment. Because I knew that G. and L. would do all these things much sooner than I was ready for them to, I found myself keeping my expectations for them low. I really just wanted to enjoy them in that moment, even if that moment was caring for an extremely frustrated girl. It was so much easier to stay calm in the moment, to appreciate being able to care for her when she was frustrated and upset because there was a part of me which so missed my older children when they were very little, that I would give just about anything to have them back for a short time, even if that time was less than perfect. My expectations about parenting G. and L. were significantly different than my expectations were with my firsts. Instead of focusing on the future and what I needed to do and what I expected them to do, I focused on the moment. This is the gift of many children and having babies after raising other children to near adulthood. It was difficult to become frustrated or upset because I had no expectations to bump up against. We enjoyed each other in the moment. 

How often do our expectations for things ruin the moments for us? I am convinced that this is one of the things that causes parents to feel frustrated and upset. There are so many things we think we should expect... that children will reach benchmarks at a certain time; that we should be able to do all the things we want to do all the time; that our children will be able to keep up with our schedules; that parenting should be a formula of if I do this, then they do that. And then when you add in all trying to convince others that we are meeting these unspoken expectations, all the while feeling guilty and helpless that our life is a hot mess, well, no wonder people feel defeated and depressed and unhappy. (Please, before you comment, know that I know there are myriad other reasons for people to struggle, but you have to admit that all of this does play a part.)

I realize that I now have very few expectations of myself or my children. The few I do have are pretty much, have I loved them and have I fed them today? Are they still alive? Great! We've all succeeded. Notice clean clothes do not even make a spot on the short list. (I have teen boys, it would be a hopeless task even if I tried.) This is very different from my parenting style and mode of existence earlier on. I had so many expectations of myself and of my children. It was work. It also caused me to be aware of a very low grade anger that continually simmered under the surface of my life, only truly coming out when an appliance would stop working. 

So I ask you, what are your shoulds? What expectations do you have of yourself or your children which are getting in the way of really enjoying them in the moment? Why do you have those shoulds? What would happen if they became maybes? Would the world stop spinning? (Truly, that phrase if probably one my children will put on my tombstone, I say it so much.) Pretty much, we're all in the same boat. No one is perfect. Everyone feels as though they fail at things much of the time. Everyone worries how other people perceive them. No one has really escaped junior high and we are still all performing for an imaginary audience who isn't paying any attention to us because they are too worried about their own imaginary audience. 

Give yourself and your family a gift. Stop caring about the shoulds. Focus on the moment in front of you right now. You won't have it again. Don't lose it grasping for the future or regretting the past. I tell my clients that we can learn from my horses. They are programmed to be alert to possible predators, but if you watch them, most of the time they are relaxed and happily grazing together. If something is concerning, they will pay attention, deciding if they need to run to safety. Once it has been deemed not a threat, they go back to grazing. They don't stand there worrying about what might have been or what might be, but they are wholly engrossed in the current moment which usually involves eating grass. They are calm and content. They are exquisite examples of being aware of life, but focusing on the moment at hand. 

Focus on your moments at hand, don't let them be stolen by unrealistic expectations or worry about previously unmet expectations. Go back to grazing... and enjoying the people in your life and the experiences right in front of you.

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As I was looking for a past post which I never really did find, I came across this one, Life with three year olds, which was too cute not to share.