"It might not be easy, but it'll be amazing."

Most people by now will recognize that line I put up in the title, even if, like me, you didn't watch the Superbowl last Sunday. Ever since it aired, it's been all over my Facebook feed causing mothers to cry into their football snacks, and I have to admit that I've had to sit with it for a while before attempting to tackle it. 

First off, let's just get the obvious out of the way. I still, for the life of me, cannot figure out what this has to do with selling cars. Mobility for all sounds like a nice tag line, but really, we're talking a major corporation who just wants to sell cars. Forgive me if I find it hard to find the real altruism underneath the sound bytes. I'll admit that I have an extremely strong bias against advertising, but I as a result, I find it a little icky to pair something like adoption with the selling of vehicles. Yes, it's a commercial that made people feel good, but it's really just to hope that those positive feelings transfer to the company itself in some subconscious way. And really, if the car company in question really cared about families with children with special needs, perhaps just playing Oprah and giving away some cars to some families would be money better spent. Yes, I'm a total cynic when it comes to modern commercial culture.

Having said that, let's actually take a look at the commercial. I know a lot of people have loved... LOVED... it. I'm sorry to step on those toes a bit, because I have to say, love was not my first reaction. (Given the previous paragraph, you were probably expecting that, huh?) I can understand why so many people had such a positive, strong reaction. It is because this path is very often not easy. It can be lonely and stressful. Often it is filled with too many appointments where the parent needs to educate too many doctors on too many things and still not get the answers that are needed. It is a life filled with not a lot of positive reinforcement and a whole lot of unknowns. To have that life held up as having meaning and importance fills a hole inside parents on this journey that was far deeper and far more tender than was realized. The commercial certainly touched a chord. I get it. It feels good to be validated in the midst of the hard.

But while I get the need for that validation and understand how nice it can feel, what I don't understand is why so many people are surprised and even angry that not everyone in the adoption world has embraced this commercial with open arms. As much as I understand why people love it, I am equally surprised when people don't understand why someone would have difficulties with it. Because, honestly, there are some difficulties. It's as if the need for validation has so blinded some people that if not everyone is waving their pompoms, then it somehow negates the positive feelings they are having. 

This is an all or nothing outlook on life that will not get someone very far, because life just isn't all or nothing. Instead of something being either/or, the vast majority of life is both/and. Something can say choosing to parent a special needs child is good and important while at the same time question how that makes the child in question feel. As with much of adoption, there is a tension there.

So what are the problems? As I seem them, there are two big ones. The first is that it is all too easy to portray adoptive parents as being the savior of their child. Instead of the child's story being the focus, it is the role the parents play in that story. Now, I know I've read multiple times that the young woman in question has chosen to share her story this way. That is her right... as I said, this is her story. But it is HER story. You cannot extrapolate from one person's story how an entire population of people feel. I know from listening to other parents of similarly high achieving children, that they did not appreciate the commercial at all, but found it highly upsetting. We cannot listen to one voice without listening to other voices before we reach a conclusion about something. Personally, I would not want my children to see me as having rescued them. I do not want to saddle them with that type of indebtedness. I adopted them because I wanted to love and parent them. End of story. I also want my children to have good associations with the country of their birth, whether their particular experiences were wonderful or not. All of my children, at least those who were old enough to remember, have both good and bad memories. (There's that tension again... not all one thing or another, but a mixture of both.) If I were to communicate that they needed rescuing, then that somehow communicates what I think about the country and culture that they were born in. I am not a rescuer of my adopted children any more than I am the rescuer of my biological children. I am the parent of both, and as their parent, I will fight for what they need with every ounce of my being simply because they are my child and I am their parent. They are not my project, my purpose, or my mission. 

The second problem with the commercial is our obsession with achievement writ large. I find myself feeling particularly annoyed about this aspect of the commercial. The way it is set-up (and I have no idea if the parents feel this way or not, but boy, does the commercial imply it), the not easy experience becomes amazing... and thus valuable... because this young woman has become a decorated Para-Olympic competitor. It rams home the idea that people have worth and value based on what they can do and accomplish. We are literally bathed in this mind-set every single day from a myriad of sources. This commercial is just one more. This idea is wrong. I would go so far as to suggest that this idea is not only wrong, it is evil. A person has value and worth simply because they are a person. Not how many medals they have won, not how much money they make, not how many books they have written or awards they have won or followers they have. 

I understand that parenting children with more than the usual amount of needs is hard... and lonely... and frustrating... and stressful. Boy, do I understand. I also understand the fundamental need we all have to be appreciated and have our hard acknowledged. As much as I want that, I need to remember that I am not the only person in the equation. No child wants to feel as though it takes some super human effort to love them. No child wants to feel as though they were so damaged that their choice for new parents required searching for the one set who would take them on. 

Finally, a quick comment about inspiration porn, because for me at least, this commercial definitely falls into that category. A simple definition: I am inspired because good people are doing something amazing over there and it makes me feel good.... or...  That person has overcome some of what I see to be really horrible obstacles. They inspire me to do more with my life... until I don't. In short, your life is all about me.  If someone wants to truly support special needs adoption, then focusing on the valuable human child behind the needs should be first and foremost. Hand in hand, should be some real societal work to make the job of special needs parents a lot less hard... truly fixing accessibility issues, affordable access to healthcare in all forms (wheelchairs, hearing aids, therapy, eye glasses, even just running labs [do you have any idea how much labs cost?!]), flexibility in schooling for those who don't fit the standard mold, available respite care and mental health options. Raising a child with special needs would be infinitely easier if parents didn't have to spend ridiculous amounts of time and energy just working the system. (And good golly, this does NOT mean that you require five trillion more forms to be filled out to access these things. If I never see another form in my life it will be too soon.) 

I'm realizing that as I write this, I have stronger feelings than I realized. I also realize that having had a documentary made about our family and the children in it might make me seem a little hypocritical. I cannot tell you how often the director and I had conversations about this and how I did not want to be portrayed as something special or amazing; that I wanted people to see the value of my children apart from their circumstances. It's why I was glad when I saw the final cut and very near the end, the director left in this from the hours and hours of tape she had.

We are our children's third best choice. The first would be for them to stay with their family of origin. The second would be for them to find a family within their country, culture, and language. We are third best.

Parenting any child is both hard and amazing, often at the same time. 

Oh, and if a certain car company would care to send a vehicle my way, we could use a car that seats 8 that isn't about to have its fuel line disintegrate. If you care so much.