January homeschool blues

I am more than aware that January is a tough month to homeschool. I have certainly had my share of rotten months where I felt guilty about all that we let slip; when surviving seemed about all we could do. It's cold, it's hard to go out, there's not enough sunlight, things just seem difficult. Surprisingly, this year is one of the few Januaries where everything isn't a horrible struggle. Maybe after 24 years I finally have the whole January-thing figured out. Who knows? But I do know that it is proving to be a genuine struggle for many, given the amount of questions I'm seeing about needing to completely change curriculum or flat out questions of how do manage to keep homeschooling. So I thought I'd put together some tips for surviving the mid-year January homeschooling blues. I'll base them on some of the comments I've been reading recently.

1. Help! I need a completely virtual curriculum.

This is a guess, though an educated one, but when I hear this, I assume that a complete curriculum was purchased and is not working well. Instead of assuming there is something wrong with the curriculum, new parents assume that there is something wrong with them. Thus, they feel the need to take themselves out of the equation. If you've been reading here for any length of time, you'll already know what I'm going to say. Virtual curriculum is not going to help. Instead, your children will be staring at a screen for far too long during the day, the parent becomes out of touch (or, if things are going poorly, will have to sit there with the child), life becomes disconnected. If the original problem was learning things that were too much, not appropriate, unconnected to life and other things, doing the same things in front of a screen are not going to improve them. 

Far better to rethink the use and purpose of curricula in the first place. They are tools to be used in a way that makes sense for the family. You do not have to do everything in it. You can skip, substitute, slow down, or repeat as needed. Don't immediately assume that you cannot teach. By all means if the curriculum is not a good fit, change it. I've certainly ditched my share of things over the years when they either caused unhappiness in my children or such utter boredom in myself that finding the energy to open the book in the morning was virtually impossible. 

This last is a point that is not made often enough. If you are bored by a curriculum then think about how the child feels about it. Let me assure you, if a curriculum is dull it is not usually because there is something wrong with the person using it. Don't sell yourself short. There are a lot of very dull textbooks out there. That says a lot about the books, but very little about the people using them. 

2. Help! My child won't do anything I ask and I end up yelling every day.

This is a corollary to the first item, but has to do with the student and not the parent. Well, I take that back, it says something about both, but we'll get to that. As above, sometimes the curriculum is to blame. If it doesn't teach so that the child can learn, if it teaches things in such a disconnected way that it appears pointless, if it moves too fast or slow, or any number of other ways a curriculum can mismatch with a child, the motivation of that child to play along plummets. Why do something if it seems pointless or if it makes you feel stupid? 

Or, it could be a relationship issue between parent and child. There are so many supposed problems people have with homeschooling when it is not really the homeschooling that is the issue. Instead, homeschooling is a catalyst for highlighting problems that were already there though a bit more hidden because the parent and child were not working so closely together for an extended period of time. If you are finding yourself yelling everyday, I humbly suggest that you take a good hard look at both your expectations and at what you are really feeling. Unmet expectations can be difficult to navigate as a parent, especially if these expectations are unnamed and lurking below the surface. The expectation might be that when I tell my child to do something, that is what they do. If they do not do this, it is easy for a parent to fall into fear. Fear that they are not a good parent. Fear that there is something wrong with their child. Fear that this is just the tip of the iceberg and things are only going to get worse if not checked. Fear is an unpleasant emotion. It is rare that we actually are aware that we are feeling fear in these moments and instead the fear becomes masked by something more accessible, something that can put the blame on someone else... irritation and anger. Next time you are feeling irritated or angry, stop and check yourself. Ask yourself what is really going on. If you are like me, the chances are good it has very little do to with the other person at all. 

Therefore, if you are yelling at your child every day, this is a relationship issue. That needs to be worked on first before schoolwork can play into it. You will need to spend some time asking (and listening to the answers) as to why things feel hard. What could be better about the school day? How can I, as a parent, help you learn best? How can we work together to make our learning exciting and enjoyable? It is a significant shift particularly if you are used to thinking of school as the teacher directing and the student doing, end of story. There are better ways.

3. Help! All my child wants to do is play video games and gets angry when I say no.

This, too, is related to the issue above, though this time the anger is on the child's part. And this, too, is not a homeschooling issue, but a relational one. By now, you probably have picked up that anger is often not really anger, but something else. Probably fear... it usually is. The possibilities include fear of not succeeding and displeasing the parent; fear of not being able to understand and thinking themselves stupid; fear that if they make a mistake they will lose their parent's love; fear of growing up... the list could go on. The child's fears might not make rational sense to the parent, but they can be very real to the child. If they are potent enough, it can be much easier to lose yourself in video games than face them. And when the parent threatens to take the video games away, then it is just one more thing to fear and get angry over, because without it, life might come creeping in. I also have to point out that a child who is buried in video games without any outside interests or desire for personal interactions could very well be suffering from depression. In both of these cases, finding a qualified therapist is most likely your best course of action. All the good curricula in the world will not fix these types of problems. I have seen first hand the positive outcomes that good therapy can offer. It is not something to be ashamed or afraid of, see it as a tool to use for attaining good emotional health. I'll also add not to be afraid of asking for a parent session every now and then. Children are not raised in vacuums and a parent's emotional health is just as important.

[Please note, I'm not saying playing video games is bad or unhealthy. It is the playing them to the exclusion of everything else and the breakdown of parent child relationships as a result that I am referring to.]

4. Help! I just don't think I'm cut out for this.

This is the easiest homeschooling problem to deal with, in my opinion. That is because it often stems from a lack of deep thinking about what education and learning really are. Those of us who grew up in traditional schools can find it difficult to move out of that system and find other ways of teaching and learning that are just as valuable. Trying to replicate traditional school in a homeschool setting is a recipe for burn-out. You can do it for a while, but it will take a toll. What works for a paid teacher in a separate setting with a largish group of children does not work for a parent in their home with one or a few children. And once again, while they are different, one is not better or worse, just different. [I write that so often maybe I should have it put on a coffee cup.] Some children thrive in one setting, some children thrive in the other setting, and some children can manage either. So, if you are feeling overwhelmed and overburdened, please, stop trying to make your day look like school. 

You need to rethink (or think the first time) about what education and learning really are. What are your goals in parenting and teaching your child? Can learning happen outside a textbook? How important are your child's interests in planning your learning? How important are your own interests in planning your learning? What are you most afraid of in regards to homeschooling? Are grades important? What do they actually reflect? Are tests important? How does someone display that they have actually learned something? Can you learn from your children? Have you learned something from your children? When was the last time you learned something brand new? How did that feel? 

These are important questions to grapple with because they will help you develop your own idea of what you want your homeschool to look like and how you will measure if you have succeeded. When you have those answers, then you can begin to choose curricula and other programs that support they way you want to teach and your children to learn. Trying to fit yourself and your family into someone else's box is never going to work well. At the least the fit won't be quite right and it will feel a little uncomfortable. Not uncomfortable enough to stop, but it will make homeschooling not quite your favorite activity. At worst, it can be such a bad fit that it will cause you to believe that you aren't cut out for this and quit. There is a high cost to not really figuring out what you believe about school and education. 

This all takes some time and some of the thinking can be uncomfortable at times. That doesn't help you in the right this very minute. It's still the middle of winter, we've been stuck inside for what seems eons, and how on earth are we going to survive the next few months until it is warm enough to breath again? Here is my recipe for getting through the winter homeschooling blues. 

• Go outside. Yes, I know it's cold. Just go outside. I am convinced this one small thing is what has made the difference in my ability to successfully navigate winter the past couple of years. I have to go outside because I have horses, whether I want to or not. Rarely do I want to; I am nearly always glad that I did. So put on everyone's snowsuits and get yourselves outside. Even if everyone is cranky and uncooperative. Especially if everyone is cranky and uncooperative.
• Take a break from your regular studies and focus on something completely different. There were many years where I did this. I couldn't face another math or phonics page and I needed something different to get me up in the morning. Often it was something I was personally interested in... in which case that was often another country or place. Or it could have been something a child happened to be particularly interested in which caught everyone's interest. We would pick a topic and dive in. We'd first head to the library and find all the books we could. Then we would sit and read all the books. Usually something in those books would inspire some sort of project, so we'd do that. I'd look for documentaries or movies to watch. We would sleep a little later, stop a little sooner, read more chapter books together. Eventually the interest in the topic would wear itself out and we'd wander back to our usual studies, a little more refreshed than when we left them. 
• Smile. How often do we forget to smile at our children? Are you so worried about school and life and getting things right and not failing your children that you have forgotten to smile at them? This has always been a struggle for me, this remembering to keep tabs on the face that my children see everyday. Am I communicating to them that I am thrilled to be sharing this adventure with them or am I communicating that nothing about this (and by extension them) is making me happy. It is a very simple thing, yet can have an enormous impact. Plus, brain science tells us that our moods are affected by how we hold our face and body. If we are holding tension and frowning, it sends signals to ours brain that there is something wrong and our brains ramp up the cortisol production in response. It then becomes a vicious cycle with body and brain reinforcing negative feelings. However, if we work on relaxing our muscles and smiling, it sends the message to our brains that all is well. Cortisol is not released, but the positive neurotransmitters are creating a positive feedback loop. 
• Remind yourself that you really can do this. You love your children and know them better than anyone. You want what is best for them. You do not have to know everything, but can learn it right along with them. (Or take a page from my book and stay one page or chapter ahead.) Not only will they learn, but you will as well. This is your chance to figure out things that stumped you the first time around. This is your chance to learn about things about which you've always been curious. This is your chance to watch your children grow excited and curious about the world around them. This is your chance to open up the world to them... the great big exciting world filled with amazing and wonderful and beautiful things. Don't be afraid to tackle subjects you don't quite understand. Check out books, ask questions, take a chance, make mistakes, and model curiosity as if you were a starving person at an all you can eat buffet. This is absolutely the greatest gift you can give to your child.... and yourself. You've got this. Go learn something together.