Everyone makes mistakes
"Parents attuned to their children's emotional states provide the basis of secure attachment. Of course, no parent will be able to read his or her child perfectly in every interaction. Peter Fonagy, a British psychoanalyst and researcher in the field of attachment, suggests that even the most sensitive parent accurately tracks with his or her child only about 45 to 50 percent of the time. But over time the child will have experience that his emotional states matter, even when his parent makes a mistake that disrupts his emotional equilibrium.
God does not expect parents to be perfect. He does, however, long for us to be perceptive. He does not expect that we will never make mistakes, but he cares that we are attuned to the mistakes we inevitably will make. God cares that we are honest about our blunders, but not so that we will beat ourselves up until he is satisfied that we have been sufficiently shamed for our behavior. God is interested in integration, in connection. And telling the truth -- both verbally and nonverbally -- about our mistakes actually enhances that integration of the mind of the one we have hurt -- and our own minds as well." ( from Anatomy of the Soul: Surprising Connections Between Neuroscience and Spiritual Practices that can Transform Your Life and Relationships by Curt Thompson, p. 121)
I'm slowly working my way through this book, and so far I am finding it really interesting. It is pretty much about the intersection between current neurological research, especially in terms of relationships, and faith. It hits nearly all of my interests at once.
As I speak with parents, a recurring theme is looking back and wishing you could get a do-over, particularly in those early years. There is a desire to go back and save ourselves from ourselves. When our children are little we want so very much to get everything right. Then, when our children are older, we know we didn't get everything right before, and have a tendency to blame ourselves for what comes after. It sort of feels a bit like a no-win situation.
I chose to share this small excerpt (our of quite a few that I have come across and have found interesting), because it addresses head on one of the deep fears of parenting... getting it wrong. I don't know about you, but I find it comforting to know that everyone else gets it wrong at least half the time, too. There is no perfect parent out there who is setting the standard that the rest of us are not living up to, despite what various social media accounts would have us believe. Getting things right only happens half the time and even that is the high end. We can all start cutting ourselves quite a bit of slack.
And the good news is that even with getting things wrong half the time, we are still not ruining our children. Do I need to say that again? Getting things wrong does not ruin our children. If there is a more freeing parenting message out there, I don't know what it is. So, everyone, take a deep, collective breath of relief.
Now I need to go back and edit my statement about there being no perfect parents out there. There are no perfect human parents out there, but God is a perfect parent. God also knows that we are incapable of being perfect parents, and yet He gives us children anyway. God cares about what we do with our mistakes, and it would seem that the act of making out mistakes right... acknowledging them, asking for forgiveness, reestablishing connection... that makes the most difference.
Perhaps the biggest take away here is that there is no shame in making mistakes. We all make mistakes, big and small, on a daily basis. It is what we do with those mistakes that is important. Do we address them, humble ourselves, and move on? Or do we wallow in our shame, beating ourselves up over every little misstep? The latter is a painful way to live, and assumes that the rest of the world is err-free. Nothing could be further from the truth. Far better to remember that everyone makes mistakes.
Now, I don't know about you, but I currently have the Sesame Street song going through my head. It is one we will often sing to a child after doing something such as spilling milk, in an effort to stop them from beating themselves up about it.
God does not expect parents to be perfect. He does, however, long for us to be perceptive. He does not expect that we will never make mistakes, but he cares that we are attuned to the mistakes we inevitably will make. God cares that we are honest about our blunders, but not so that we will beat ourselves up until he is satisfied that we have been sufficiently shamed for our behavior. God is interested in integration, in connection. And telling the truth -- both verbally and nonverbally -- about our mistakes actually enhances that integration of the mind of the one we have hurt -- and our own minds as well." ( from Anatomy of the Soul: Surprising Connections Between Neuroscience and Spiritual Practices that can Transform Your Life and Relationships by Curt Thompson, p. 121)
I'm slowly working my way through this book, and so far I am finding it really interesting. It is pretty much about the intersection between current neurological research, especially in terms of relationships, and faith. It hits nearly all of my interests at once.
As I speak with parents, a recurring theme is looking back and wishing you could get a do-over, particularly in those early years. There is a desire to go back and save ourselves from ourselves. When our children are little we want so very much to get everything right. Then, when our children are older, we know we didn't get everything right before, and have a tendency to blame ourselves for what comes after. It sort of feels a bit like a no-win situation.
I chose to share this small excerpt (our of quite a few that I have come across and have found interesting), because it addresses head on one of the deep fears of parenting... getting it wrong. I don't know about you, but I find it comforting to know that everyone else gets it wrong at least half the time, too. There is no perfect parent out there who is setting the standard that the rest of us are not living up to, despite what various social media accounts would have us believe. Getting things right only happens half the time and even that is the high end. We can all start cutting ourselves quite a bit of slack.
And the good news is that even with getting things wrong half the time, we are still not ruining our children. Do I need to say that again? Getting things wrong does not ruin our children. If there is a more freeing parenting message out there, I don't know what it is. So, everyone, take a deep, collective breath of relief.
Now I need to go back and edit my statement about there being no perfect parents out there. There are no perfect human parents out there, but God is a perfect parent. God also knows that we are incapable of being perfect parents, and yet He gives us children anyway. God cares about what we do with our mistakes, and it would seem that the act of making out mistakes right... acknowledging them, asking for forgiveness, reestablishing connection... that makes the most difference.
Perhaps the biggest take away here is that there is no shame in making mistakes. We all make mistakes, big and small, on a daily basis. It is what we do with those mistakes that is important. Do we address them, humble ourselves, and move on? Or do we wallow in our shame, beating ourselves up over every little misstep? The latter is a painful way to live, and assumes that the rest of the world is err-free. Nothing could be further from the truth. Far better to remember that everyone makes mistakes.
Now, I don't know about you, but I currently have the Sesame Street song going through my head. It is one we will often sing to a child after doing something such as spilling milk, in an effort to stop them from beating themselves up about it.
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