Adoption 101: Emotions
It's time to do another installment of Adoption 101. This time on emotions... the parent's emotions, that is. Help moderate a group dealing with older child adoption, and as I read through some of the posts and threads, it occurs to me that there are some pretty universal experiences that never seem to be addressed in pre-adoptive education. Even me addressing these things here doesn't mean that the prospective adoptive parent will really listen, but I can still try.
If you have reached adulthood, I hope you have figured out by now that emotions... how we feel about an event or a situation... are not always accurate. I'm not saying that we are wrong to feel how we feel, just that we cannot always count on our feelings to be good predictors of how something is ultimately going to work out.
Sometimes this is good. When we feel deep love for someone, that feeling helps gloss over things about the recipient of our love that could irritate us. We see a person through a different lens; a more positive one.
Other times, these feelings can totally betray us as to what reality is actually like. Fear is most often the major culprit of this. Fear can change our perception as to the severity of a situation. It can change how we imagine the future to look. It can make us angry and unreasonable. It can literally cause us to be out of our (right) minds with fear. Fear is a powerful emotion that changes how our bodies and brains function, it also happens to be 99.9% wrong. Pretty much, the only time fear gets it right is when we are being chased by a large carnivore, escaping from a flaming building, or some similar scenario. The trouble is, it causes our bodies to act as though we are in mortal danger, turning off our thinking brains to focus on escape and pumping our adrenal system with adrenaline and cortisol to escape the large, toothy carnivore.
What does this have to do with adoption? Well, a high percentage of new adoptive parents find themselves battling panic-inducing fear in the first days and weeks of an adoption. This is true even if the child is pleasant and well-behaved. It is doubly true if the child is also fearful and raging.
I have heard more than once, and experienced it myself, the overwhelming urge to run upon meeting one's new child. For some reason, our body can experience this new and sudden relationship through the lens of fear (which is understandable). The trouble is, when we experience great fear, our bodies and brains act as though the large carnivore is standing in front of us, breathing heavily, and reacts accordingly. So there you are, smiling and trying to appear sane on the outside when meeting your new child, all the while on the inside, you are making constant, concerted efforts not to bolt out the door and into the first cab to take you back to the airport.
If you are not prepared for these very strong and overwhelming feelings, you may think there is something wrong with you. Or there is something wrong with this new child to trigger such feelings. Or there is something wrong with this adoption and that you have just ruined your family. This will cause your brain and body to panic even more because so much must be wrong. Now, instead of one large carnivore, you are faced with an entire pack.
People do not react rationally to situations like this, let me tell you. Usually what follows is near constant crying or insomnia or not feeling as though you can wake up. Anger, fear's bosom buddy, is rarely far away, and deep feelings of anger to anyone and everyone will probably appear. Someone must be to blame for this entire mess!
But do you know what? This is actually all pretty normal. Many people will experience this to greater or lesser degrees. It is a normal reaction to a very abnormal situation. We humans are not necessarily wired to be presented with an older child who is a complete stranger with the expectation that we will be their parent. It takes a good long while for people's brains, bodies, and emotions to catch up. Sometimes that takes a good long while.
If you feel deep fear and anger at this stage in the game, there is not actually anything wrong with you. This does not make you a bad parent or signal dire things for the future relationship with this child. There is no shame in admitting that you are not in love with your brand new child? Why should you be? You just met. Nothing about those first few weeks has any bearing on your future life, actually. Everyone's emotions need to calm down in order to begin a real relationship and that just takes time.
In the meantime, take measures to calm your over-reactive emotional and adrenal systems. Eat protein and drink water, your brain needs it even if you do not feel like it. Get as much rest as you can. Take breaks from your new child to give yourself time to breath. Oh, and breathe! Slowly, deeply, and often. Remind yourself that this is normal. Reach out to others who have been down this same road to remind yourself that so many other people have done this, experienced this, and have not only survived, but thrived. Every time you start to panic, remind yourself that you cannot predict the future and chances are your predictions at this very moment are very wrong. And finally, do not make any rash decisions right now. You are in no state to judge... well... anything. Do not run off a cliff running from a carnivore who doesn't exist.
Oh, and breathe some more.
The bright side? When the honeymoon is over and your child is in the midst of his or her own pit of panic and fear and anger, you can reach back to those experiences and feelings in country to remind yourself of what they are going through. I can tell you, having experienced deep fear and panic and anger creates a equally deep well of compassion for others going through the same thing.
If you have reached adulthood, I hope you have figured out by now that emotions... how we feel about an event or a situation... are not always accurate. I'm not saying that we are wrong to feel how we feel, just that we cannot always count on our feelings to be good predictors of how something is ultimately going to work out.
Sometimes this is good. When we feel deep love for someone, that feeling helps gloss over things about the recipient of our love that could irritate us. We see a person through a different lens; a more positive one.
Other times, these feelings can totally betray us as to what reality is actually like. Fear is most often the major culprit of this. Fear can change our perception as to the severity of a situation. It can change how we imagine the future to look. It can make us angry and unreasonable. It can literally cause us to be out of our (right) minds with fear. Fear is a powerful emotion that changes how our bodies and brains function, it also happens to be 99.9% wrong. Pretty much, the only time fear gets it right is when we are being chased by a large carnivore, escaping from a flaming building, or some similar scenario. The trouble is, it causes our bodies to act as though we are in mortal danger, turning off our thinking brains to focus on escape and pumping our adrenal system with adrenaline and cortisol to escape the large, toothy carnivore.
What does this have to do with adoption? Well, a high percentage of new adoptive parents find themselves battling panic-inducing fear in the first days and weeks of an adoption. This is true even if the child is pleasant and well-behaved. It is doubly true if the child is also fearful and raging.
I have heard more than once, and experienced it myself, the overwhelming urge to run upon meeting one's new child. For some reason, our body can experience this new and sudden relationship through the lens of fear (which is understandable). The trouble is, when we experience great fear, our bodies and brains act as though the large carnivore is standing in front of us, breathing heavily, and reacts accordingly. So there you are, smiling and trying to appear sane on the outside when meeting your new child, all the while on the inside, you are making constant, concerted efforts not to bolt out the door and into the first cab to take you back to the airport.
If you are not prepared for these very strong and overwhelming feelings, you may think there is something wrong with you. Or there is something wrong with this new child to trigger such feelings. Or there is something wrong with this adoption and that you have just ruined your family. This will cause your brain and body to panic even more because so much must be wrong. Now, instead of one large carnivore, you are faced with an entire pack.
People do not react rationally to situations like this, let me tell you. Usually what follows is near constant crying or insomnia or not feeling as though you can wake up. Anger, fear's bosom buddy, is rarely far away, and deep feelings of anger to anyone and everyone will probably appear. Someone must be to blame for this entire mess!
But do you know what? This is actually all pretty normal. Many people will experience this to greater or lesser degrees. It is a normal reaction to a very abnormal situation. We humans are not necessarily wired to be presented with an older child who is a complete stranger with the expectation that we will be their parent. It takes a good long while for people's brains, bodies, and emotions to catch up. Sometimes that takes a good long while.
If you feel deep fear and anger at this stage in the game, there is not actually anything wrong with you. This does not make you a bad parent or signal dire things for the future relationship with this child. There is no shame in admitting that you are not in love with your brand new child? Why should you be? You just met. Nothing about those first few weeks has any bearing on your future life, actually. Everyone's emotions need to calm down in order to begin a real relationship and that just takes time.
In the meantime, take measures to calm your over-reactive emotional and adrenal systems. Eat protein and drink water, your brain needs it even if you do not feel like it. Get as much rest as you can. Take breaks from your new child to give yourself time to breath. Oh, and breathe! Slowly, deeply, and often. Remind yourself that this is normal. Reach out to others who have been down this same road to remind yourself that so many other people have done this, experienced this, and have not only survived, but thrived. Every time you start to panic, remind yourself that you cannot predict the future and chances are your predictions at this very moment are very wrong. And finally, do not make any rash decisions right now. You are in no state to judge... well... anything. Do not run off a cliff running from a carnivore who doesn't exist.
Oh, and breathe some more.
The bright side? When the honeymoon is over and your child is in the midst of his or her own pit of panic and fear and anger, you can reach back to those experiences and feelings in country to remind yourself of what they are going through. I can tell you, having experienced deep fear and panic and anger creates a equally deep well of compassion for others going through the same thing.
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