Feeling like home
We've lived here for lived here now for not quite a year and a half. As we approach our second set of holidays, I've been thinking a lot about where we are. Knowing a move is going to cause upheaval, and living through that upheaval are two very different things. And like living through the adjustment of a new, older, adopted child entering the family, you can think you are functioning quite well thank you very much, until you are a ways away from it, and realize just how not well you were functioning.
This is mainly what I've been realizing these past few weeks. Yes, we (well, I specifically) were doing pretty well, but it was through sheer effort. If I'm honest, much of that effort was not actually needed, but I thought it was at the time. I needed to feel settled, I needed to feel settled now, and I was going to work tirelessly to build my social systems so I could feel settled. Even while I was doing this, I had in the back of my head the knowledge that much of what the first year brought would not be what lasts. It didn't stop me from relentlessly trying to form social connections, though. It was exhausting, actually, all that meeting and greeting and worrying and working.
Now I realize that we are all starting to find our places, but this time in a real and genuine way. We have a good base of people we know and like. We are finding activities we enjoy. Most of the bits of life I took for granted... who to call for what, and other things of that nature... are sorted out, and don't require immense and conscious effort. I have stopped (almost) describing myself as someone "who just moved here". I still mourn my grocery store, though, and have yet to find an equivalent replacement.
I also don't have to think so hard about how to get to places anymore. I can go for days and days without making a wrong turn, and the only time I have to rely on Google maps is when I'm heading to someone's house to buy a garage sale item. I drive places, looking around, and have found myself starting to think of this place as home, rather than reminding myself that this place is now my home. I am starting to see the places and people here as being in my life for a long time, and not just transient entities. I no longer feel a slight sense of guilt and betrayal to my former life at actually enjoying this new place where we are living.
I miss the people. I will always miss the people, because they are a part of who I am, regardless of where I live... or where they live. I have to remind myself that I can still see them and talk to them (though I probably win the award for the person worst about calling on the phone), and that making new friends does not negate their importance in my life. There's a song about that isn't there? Something about new, old, gold, silver?
We're good here. It's nice to be at a place where I feel as though I can stop dwelling on what I have lost, desperately trying to recreate it, and instead focus on what we have, and appreciate that new and different can be just as comforting and satisfying. This year, instead of dreading the holidays, I'm kind of looking forward to them.
It's nice to be home.
This is mainly what I've been realizing these past few weeks. Yes, we (well, I specifically) were doing pretty well, but it was through sheer effort. If I'm honest, much of that effort was not actually needed, but I thought it was at the time. I needed to feel settled, I needed to feel settled now, and I was going to work tirelessly to build my social systems so I could feel settled. Even while I was doing this, I had in the back of my head the knowledge that much of what the first year brought would not be what lasts. It didn't stop me from relentlessly trying to form social connections, though. It was exhausting, actually, all that meeting and greeting and worrying and working.
Now I realize that we are all starting to find our places, but this time in a real and genuine way. We have a good base of people we know and like. We are finding activities we enjoy. Most of the bits of life I took for granted... who to call for what, and other things of that nature... are sorted out, and don't require immense and conscious effort. I have stopped (almost) describing myself as someone "who just moved here". I still mourn my grocery store, though, and have yet to find an equivalent replacement.
I also don't have to think so hard about how to get to places anymore. I can go for days and days without making a wrong turn, and the only time I have to rely on Google maps is when I'm heading to someone's house to buy a garage sale item. I drive places, looking around, and have found myself starting to think of this place as home, rather than reminding myself that this place is now my home. I am starting to see the places and people here as being in my life for a long time, and not just transient entities. I no longer feel a slight sense of guilt and betrayal to my former life at actually enjoying this new place where we are living.
I miss the people. I will always miss the people, because they are a part of who I am, regardless of where I live... or where they live. I have to remind myself that I can still see them and talk to them (though I probably win the award for the person worst about calling on the phone), and that making new friends does not negate their importance in my life. There's a song about that isn't there? Something about new, old, gold, silver?
We're good here. It's nice to be at a place where I feel as though I can stop dwelling on what I have lost, desperately trying to recreate it, and instead focus on what we have, and appreciate that new and different can be just as comforting and satisfying. This year, instead of dreading the holidays, I'm kind of looking forward to them.
It's nice to be home.
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