Tired

You all know that I don't sugar coat life; that I believe in sharing our real life in all of its beautiful messiness. In that vein, just so no one gets the impression that its all rainbows and happy trees around here all the time, I thought I'd tell you why I'm tired.

I'm tired of trauma and its effects.
I'm tired of being the safe person who gets the rotten behavior.
I'm tired of asking a perfectly innocent question, and having a child immediately jump to trauma-mode and respond with s**t*ness.
I'm tired that this child has such a hair-trigger response to any perceived threat, even to such an innocuous questions of, "Are you going to get ready for bed now?"
I'm tired of complete strangers getting the best behavior from two of my children.
I'm tired of rarely receiving positive behavior from one of my children.
I'm tired of shrieking to every. single. thing. that I say.
I'm tired of people not understanding that the child before them is the result of literally thousands of hours of work by the child and her parents, and thus think the child is higher functioning than they are.
I'm tired of worrying that one child will never get to a point where she notices that her clothes are on backwards.
I'm tired of being concerned about money.
I'm tired of disassociation as a result of every single stinking thing.
I'm tired of feeling like a rotten mother because I won't allow the disassociation, and I end up being the bad guy for breaking through that it. Cue shrieking.
I'm tired that we have scaled back our benchmark of success so much that we consider it a victory when this child walks away from me at the campground, thinking she is going the right direction, and after 200 yards (yards, not feet), stops and realizes I am not behind her. Two years ago, she would have just kept walking. I know, I did an experiment.

I'm just tired. It's been a hard summer with two particular children. Some seasons it's hard to hold on to hope.

Comments

Molly said…
You are heard. I am sorry its been so tough. Get a good night's sleep and hopefully God will give you strength to find some positives about tomorrow.

We had some regression with potty training (at almost 16 years old) so I totally get your frustration!

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