Losing your filter

I was texting back and forth with a very good friend of mine this afternoon. We both have children who had a very hard start in life and for whom this hard start brings significant and lasting challenges. One of the most difficult of those challenges doesn't actually originate from our children but from the adults who interact with them. One of the effects of this is creating a very thick skin and a very malfunctioning filter in the parent, especially where our children are concerned. It is not an easy or comfortable process to develop these things, but without them, a parent might just lose their mind. 

So why do we need to develop these character traits which are not always considered positive? Because unless we become hermits (which I'm afraid our family is potentially headed in that direction), we have to interact with the broader public. I can tell you, that once you are outside your immediate family who lives with a particular child on a day to day basis, there is no telling what will happen.

Let's take a couple of real life examples and parse out exactly why this would be an issue for parents and their child(ren). 

Example #1

An acquaintance comes up to you and says, "Oh, he's so cute! I just want to cuddle him!" 

Sigh. I have to take a deep breath first, because this one bothers me on so many different levels. Sure, it sounds positive on the surface. Sort of. Actually on the surface it seems a little creepy to me. I mean, how often do people go up to parents and say they just need to cuddle their child? (We're talking an older child here, not a baby or toddler, mind you.) So there's that. 

But of course adults do not go around saying they just need to cuddle someone's teen because they are so cute. It only happens when that teen happens to have some challenges. Evidently, to many people, having challenges, whatever they may happen to be, is equivalent to being treated like a baby for the rest of your life. Nice. 

Actually, the more I think about it, it is not even treating the teen as a baby, but more like a cute animal; someone to give a hug to because it makes you feel good. Truly, the 'he's so cute, I just want to cuddle him' phrase is heard far more often in relation to puppies or kittens than it is human beings. Our children are not pets. They do not deserve to be treated like pets. They are human beings who should enjoy the same level of respect and decency that we give to human beings without challenges.

Finally, this phrase makes it clear that the speaker is truly only thinking about themselves. How they feel... What they gain. It has pretty much nothing to do with how the other individual feels about any of this. How it really sounds is, "Oh, I hugged this poor, poor child. I'm sure they needed it, the poor, poor thing. I feel so good about myself for doing this really terrific thing. I'm a good person. Yeah me!!" (I warned you I had no filter anymore.) It is a complete negation of the other person's humanity.

As the parent, do you stand by and let your child be treated like an exhibit in a petting zoo or do you say something? If you remain silent and let the moment pass, mentally adding that person to your ever growing list of people to avoid, you feel rotten inside because you didn't stand up for your child. If you say something then you annoy people and are labeled touchy or hard to deal with. I've remained silent enough times to know that I would rather live easily with my conscious than worry about what others think of me.

Example #2

An acquaintance (or friend or family member) steps in after you've given your child a direction and says, "Oh, let me do it for you [talking to child]," directly negating the instructions you just gave.

On the surface this also could sound positive. Barely. Just off the bat, it is really bad manners to get in between the interactions of a parent and their child. Why would you do that? Once again, it's just a little odd because this doesn't usually happen with typical children. But when all that specialness comes into play... ?

Here we have the 'poor, poor child'-thing writ large. This child has had so much to deal with already, why on earth are their parents making them do a task that makes me uncomfortable to watch them do? They shouldn't do that to this poor child. Can't they see that it is hard? Good parents wouldn't make a child do something so hard. If I were that child's parents, you can bet your bottom dollar I wouldn't be so mean. Poor, poor thing. So much to deal with and parents who don't understand to boot.

You think I exaggerate? I assure you I do not. 

Now, having gone down this road before, we parents have learned to do a little (okay, a lot) of educating. I have often thought about creating a business card with my little speech written out just to save my breath. This list would include items such as:

• Please do not hug my child
• Please do not allow my child to sit on your lap
• Please do not give my child whatever treat you want to give them
• Please do not help my child; if they need help we parents can do that
• Please know that my child is greatly loved and well cared for

On the other side it would explain why:

• Because my child is still learning what it is like to have parents
• Because my child is learning to be capable
• Because my child has developed learned helplessness due to their background
• Because my child, due to this background, can spot a sucker from a mile away
• Because my child, frankly, is playing you

Every time some good Samaritan with a savior complex tries to save my child from their "mean" parents, it sets us back. Again. That person has just unwittingly confirmed what my child already believes... that they will not have to do the hard job of [fill in the blank: learning to be part of a family, learning to be self-sufficient, learning whatever skill they need to learn to grow up to be the most they can be] if they can get a nice adult to it for them. I am more than aware that what I am asking my child to do is hard. Just because something is difficult does not mean we rescue our children from it, though, but we do help them through it. We cannot do that if every nice person we meet decides to rescue them instead. 

Sometimes, even with every bit of patient education I can do, some people will not hear me. They can't wrap their head around the fact that a child can be playing up their weakness in order to gain sympathy. They can't wrap their head around the fact that the child might not even be consciously doing it. They can't wrap their head around the fact that maybe, just maybe, this child could grow and develop and gain new skills if they are supported. And really, that's because this nice person just doesn't see this person with challenges as a person. They are something to be pitied and cared for and to be inspired by, ultimately making the nice person feel good about themselves. Ultimately that's what a savior complex is all about anyway, making that person feel good about themselves regardless of how the 'savee' feels about the whole thing. 

These are just two examples of experiences which I and many of my friends have experienced. It is tiring to continue to fight for the humanity of our children and at the same time be considered sane and competent parents. Ultimately, many of us decide to jettison worrying about being considered sane and competent, but we will always fight for our children... even if it makes someone else feel badly.