Hard questions

I was asked on one of my posts about indiscriminate affection about my opinion on volunteers in orphanages. Not the appear and disappear variety, but ones who are in the country and have made a longer term commitment to visiting orphanages. Since I have spent the last forty-eight hours realizing I didn't have anything to write about, I'll take a stab at answering.

First, know that I'm hardly an expert. My main experience is raising children who have been damaged by the combination of broken attachment combined with false attachment to visitors. I know what the results look like, I have some ideas about how my girls developed the coping skills they did, but I'm not sure I have actual definitive answers.

If I were to have a chance to talk with people who were volunteering in an orphanage, and who were committed to going regularly, Here are things I would say.

1. Be careful with gifts. I know everyone's tendency is to want to shower a child with the things that they don't have, especially if the child's plight seems pitiable. This is natural. We all like gifts, and we want to fulfill needs. But sometimes what we think a child needs and what they actually need are two very different things. It is all too easy for a child to equate people who pay attention to them with the things they bring. R. is still a little fuzzy about who buys her clothes and toys, and H. is still not sure why we would want to buy her things. It's so easy to have things get muddled up. And candy... I admit my more naive self brought candy to the children. I wish I hadn't. Even as we were passing it out, it felt wrong, as I watched the children (who had obviously been through this circus before) navigate the pecking order of who got how much. Genuine gifts given because you have a relationship with someone are one thing. Gifts given because they make you feel better, and because the poor children are so, well, poor, are another.

2. Work to have a genuine relationship. Take the time to get to know a child. See the real person inside. Let them experience the give and take of a real relationship. Sometimes things are hard. Sometimes we say things or do things that hurt another person, even if unintentionally, and we have to apologize. Sometimes we are crabby, sometimes we are not. And keep returning.

3. Be careful with physical affection. This one is hard. Children in understaffed or poorly staffed orphanages do not get the physical touch that humans need, especially young children. But I also know first hand how terribly difficult it is to help a child learn appropriate physical boundaries. Children who have no boundaries and seek affection from strangers are not safe. So I don't really know where that line is. I guess if you think about a child from a healthy, stable family, how would you interact with that child? It would feel weird to hug them if you had no relationship first, yes? I guess that is where I would land... relationship first, then appropriate physical affection. Even saying that, I also know that it is a very, very fuzzy line.

I'm not sure there are easy answers. But I also know that there is so much that needs to be done that does not involve working directly with vulnerable children. We all need to work to make the world a place where children are able to stay with their families of origin. There are many organizations which help vulnerable families so that they can keep their children. Support these organizations with your dollars. I'm happy to share the two which we support if you are interested. There are many out there.

While I wholly support adoption, I do not support adoption for adoption's sake. The world does not owe the citizens of the United States their children, though reading some adoption related materials might sometimes make it seem as though that is the case. I firmly believe that any international adoption should be the third option for any child. The first would be to stay in their family of origin, the second to be adopted domestically, with the third being international. The first two are not always possible, and sometimes children are better off joining their new family in another country. But sometimes those first two options were never fully explored, especially when the lure of money is involved. If you wish to adopt, do it as ethically as you possibly can. Do your research and support ethical agencies. Do not become part of the problem.

Finally, we support the people who are on the front lines of working with the world's vulnerable children. I know quite a few people who have given up much in order to be a permanent presence in the lives of orphans. There aren't really salaries for doing this, and these people must raise their own funds. (That link is to good friend of mine's blog page. She works with older orphans in China who have aged out and are not capable of living on their own.)