What it's like inside my head

Last week was not great, if you hadn't already figured that out. I don't do change well, and, frankly, this is a lot of change. Plus, right now we are in the lot of change part which is not terribly enjoyable and has far too many unknowns to be at all relaxing. I pretty much spent the past week alternating between panic, despair, and depression. I wasn't a lot of fun to be around at all. I certainly didn't enjoy my own company.

You want to hear a little of the soundtrack to which the hamster in my brain endlessly ran on its wheel?

We're moving soon.... there's so much to do... I need to pack some boxes and clean and make things look nice... we really need to get some rooms painted... when are we going to get that done?... J. sure is gone a lot with this horrible commute... I suppose we could pay someone to paint... is it worth it? ... is anyone going to want this house? ... they probably aren't going to want this house... why are putting money into things if no one is going buy the house? ... if on one buys the house, how on earth are we going to be able to move? ... we're never going to be able to move, and J. will be stuck making this commute forever... why doesn't anyone want to buy our house? ... it's a nice house, lots of room, sure it needs some work, but where are you going to find this much house at a reasonable price? ... I do like this house... I really like this kitchen... we probably won't find another house with enough storage or room or a nice kitchen... I'm not sure I want to move... but we can't make the commute work forever... and maybe we could have a horse... having a horse would be great... I've never owned a horse... what if the other horse people out there aren't nice? ... what if they laugh at the city slickers who don't know what they're doing? ... maybe no one will like us... what if we don't make any friends? ... I don't think we're going to make any friends... and how will we find a new church... I really like our church, it's going to be hard to leave....

Had enough? I have. It's really hard to turn it off. It was a pretty miserable six and half days. Finally, I realized that some of the obsessing was coming from just not knowing the area at all. It was like a big black hole. So, yesterday afternoon, on a whim, TM and P. joined me, and we went and spent the entire afternoon driving past various houses that looked from their listings as possibly suitable. It was really, really helpful to see where these houses were all located. And they were everywhere. We had essentially drawn a circle around J.'s new job and included everything within a half hour drive. This little jaunt helped me get a sense of the surrounding areas, and I think it has also helped us to narrow down the areas where we would like to end up. For a research junkie like me, it also gives me a target to do research about. This is all reassuring. Plus, we drove around some incredibly pretty areas... far more attractive than my overwrought imagination was picturing.

It's still easy to let the hamster start running again, and I'm trying to ignore it. And we've checked some big items off our to-do list. J. was extremely productive this weekend and the hallway is all painted and the little girls' room is spackled and ready for paint. The hallway looks the best it ever has since we've lived here. Plus, the glass guys were out this morning and replaced the windows that had cracks in the old glass, so they are shiny and new as well. We're getting there.


Katie Coons said…
I am totally with you. We've been renting and want to buy a home... but it will be a first time home buying situation and our once income pastor's salary... well, it needs to be a special place. I have had those hamsters running around for the past 2 years... This weekend went on a prayer retreat and was meditating on Jesus' baptism in the book of John. About Jesus, John says "the one who comes after me has gone before me"--- it was a great reminder that Jesus has gone before us in everything. He's got you covered! The waiting though--- what a time to be enlarged in all the virtures:)

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