Please, please, please, if you have not already done so, phone and email the senator's on the committee who will be hearing HB3079 next Tuesday. This is so important and they need to hear from everyone. This blog will wait, stop and do it now if you've been meaning to and haven't gotten around to it.
Ever since M. was a baby, I have had a lot of difficulty with the idea that God loves my children more than I do. How could that possibly be? I loved my children so much that I couldn't imagine anyone, even a sovereign, omniscient, loving God, loving them more. I can remember sitting in a Mom's Bible study at one point when M. and B. were little and we were talking about this very thing. That God loves our children more than we do and while we cannot keep them safe every single moment, He knows what is best for them and can do that. During the prayer time, I remember bursting into tears because while I could intellectually understand this, emotionally I just couldn't make the leap. What if I gave my children back to God (in the metaphorical sense) and He decided to take them away? I was too fearful to do it and the tears were a part of the struggle between wanting to trust God with my children and my fear of doing just that.
Well, having many children and going through many different adventures with them has a way of changing ones perspective. As I watched my children grow and mature and as we faced things that I never imagined having to face changed my perspective. A lot. There is so much in this world that I do not have control over and to think I do is crazy. Also I've learned that there are many, many things that I have no control over in regards to my children and I would much rather turn those things over to Someone who does. It doesn't feel scary anymore... the opposite certainly does, though.
I had thought I had worked all this out in my head and given myself permission to not be in charge. God has a way of showing us when we are wrong, though, and yesterday afternoon was one of those moments. I was thinking about my children and worrying about one in particular. (If you haven't figured it out by now, I can be a world class worrier if I allow myself, too. And that would be every moment that I am not purposefully reminding myself that I don't need to worry.) I thought to myself, "It would be so nice just to enjoy this child and appreciate this child and not have to worry about this child." I was feeling enormously burdened about the worry I was carrying and longed to be free of it.
After thinking this thought, there was another voice that asked, "So why don't you?"
It was one of those moments that take you by surprise and that you have to ponder for a while. It was a freeing moment. God does not need my help and He certainly doesn't need me to worry in order to keep everything all together. If I really trust Him as I say I do, then the only responsibility I have is to love my children and be their mother. Worrying about their future (or even their present) doesn't help anyone... me or my children.
And so I learn another lesson and take another step on the not-worrying path. It is definitely a work in progress.