Number of days we have lost with our daughter due to the negligence of the state of Illinois: 22 (And yes, we're still waiting for those child abuse clearances to be completed, thanks for asking. We're on week 10 for a process that takes every other state in the union no more than 2.)
That would be me, the crazy woman, that is. At least that's what I sort of feel like at the moment... the crazy woman who can only talk about one subject and talks on and on and on about it while everyone else either glazes over or has already made their escape when they see her approach.
I don't mean to be a broken record. Believe me when I say that I would much rather be able to talk about something else. Every time I make a resolution to myself that I will let it go, that I've done what I can do and just need to move on, something happens that sets me off again. It can be a little thing such as someone asking me how the adoption is going and then are surprised when I say it probably won't be until 2016 when we get to bring our child home. This type of question is doubly difficult because the adoption process is very complex and for someone to really understand where the problem is, they have to understand how the process works in the first place. And 20 minutes later, I discover that I'm still talking about adoption.
Or it can just be other little day-to-day things. I love my children and generally life is pretty good. While there are moments when the kitchen is a mess or the laundry is out of control or everyone is sick, for the most part this happens only every so often. It's not much different than life in a smaller family; sometimes things run efficiently and sometimes they don't. The adoption process puts you under the microscope and if you are a large family in IL, this is doubly true. I find myself wanting to share all of our good moments with someone, anyone, in the decision making realm and ask them, why it is so difficult for us to share this with another child. A child who needs a family. Why are we suspect simply because we are good at raising children and want to share that with another child? And so I'm off again, railing at the government in my head.
If the home study approval were just a formality, I might not obsess as much. But as it is, it is not a sure thing. If you look at the laws, and I have, you will discover that written into IL state law, that the Intercountry Adoption Coordinator [AKA the person at the desk who approves home studies at DCFS] is not bound by a favorable home study decision on the part of the social worker. Pretty much this person has free rein and can decide against a family even though he or she has never met them or visited their home. And if that person believes that large families are little better than a group home, then... I'm running on again. The point being, how can a person truly allow themselves to fall in love with a child if the state is going to decide they know better and you have enough children?
And I get angry all over again.
This is how I spend my day. I try not to... really, really I do. I know that God is ultimately in charge and that He is bigger than DCFS. Yet I rail against the unfairness of it all. It's not right and other than other adoptive parents who have been through it and know that I'm not making this up, no one seems to care. Certainly not anyone who can actually do something about it.