That would be a pity party to be exact. It was yesterday... sorry I didn't invite you. I don't know why they say misery loves company, because it really doesn't. The party wasn't actually all that fun anyway and you didn't miss a whole lot. Well, except me driving away from the house to mail some bills informing my children that if they wanted dinner they could cook some scrambled eggs and when their father got home that he could take care of the little girl in the upstairs bathroom who didn't quite make it to the toilet. Again.
I will admit to not rushing to and from the post office, but I was slightly more balanced when I returned home. Slightly. It was not really one of my finer days. Can I just say that I am the married to the most patient, caring, and amazing man in the world? He is able to step into the breech, get things under control, take care of a slightly unbalanced wife, and still manage to get some doctoral work done. Yep, pretty amazing.
So I am feeling a bit more myself today, though it has a tenuousness to it that is making me tread a little carefully so as not to fall back into the pit again. Because, really, feeling sorry for yourself doesn't make situations any better or make you feel any better. In fact, it does the opposite. When you start to feel sorry for yourself, all it does is magnify what seems to be wrong into something that is huge and horrible and never-ending. At least that's how it feels in the midst of it all.
The truth? Nothing was any different yesterday than it has been. There was no horrible crisis or anything out of the ordinary. In fact, it wasn't even a bad day. No one raged. People got some work done. The weather was great and people played outside. H. continues to heal and had one drain removed. plus a neighbor dropped by a surprise gift for her. There is no truth in self-pity.
But there can be a whole lot of fatigue and J. sent me to bed at a reasonable time and having slept well, do feel better. Rest is truly a gift from God. In 1 Kings 19, it tells of Elijah running away into the wilderness after having defeated the prophets of Baal, when he learns that Jezebel ordered to have him killed. Much of the chapter is Elijah having a nice little pity party for himself. And what does God do? Does He get upset and discipline Elijah? No, He sends angles to minister to Elijah and prepare him food with one of my favorite lines in the Bible, "Arise and eat, for the journey is too great for you." (1 Kings 19:7 ESV) The journey was too great mostly because of Elijah's own self-imposed expectations of himself and of God. (Reading further on in the chapter Elijah shares what's bugging him.) God understands that sometimes the journey is just too great for us, even if it is a self-imposed journey. He has compassion on us all the same. But sometimes we get so wrapped up in our own pity that we can't see God working to ease our burden. We insist upon carrying it (whether real or imagines) and complaining about it at the same time. God's yoke is easy and His burden is light, but we can only realize this if we focus on just is what is before us. When we focus too much on the future, about what might or might not be, about what hasn't been, then our burden becomes so much greater and we only have ourselves to blame.