This post is done in the spirit of full disclosure. I do have people who comment on how well I manage to keep it all together, and while I do for the most part, there are seasons where it is more difficult than others. This is one of those seasons, and because I don't want to be one of those people who are always smiling when in public and then break down at home, I thought I would share my current breakdown with all of you.
It's really nothing to be concerned about, but all comes of trying to do too much. It happens to the best of us. Plus, I know how to fix it. I just need to have fewer outside commitments. On the face of it, I don't have that many things I do outside my home and it should seem pretty doable. But I didn't take into account the season of life that I'm currently in. That season would be one where I have four to five emotionally, developmentally, or actual three-year-olds. A season which involves far more doctor's appointments than I usually have. A season where some children need more constant supervision than I usually need to do. A season where I just can't expect to be able to do much critical thinking past dinner time. I described it to a friend as a very intense parenting season.
One of the reasons it feels so intense is the healing that we see happening in TM. We are seeing some really good stuff... the growing ability to talk about emotions, the willingness to think about hard stuff, some really in-control behavior. But the flip side is that in order to get to that good stuff, we are also wading our way through some really yucky stuff. Stuff that needs to be worked through, but it's hard, and intense, and exhausting, and unpredictable. So add to that a child who is still figuring out what it means to be a part of a family and is still learning to speak English and twins that are just a lot of work to keep track off on their own, well, I'm tired.
So I need to step back from a few things. For instance, I just can't teach in our history co-op. I literally don't have the time to prepare. I will probably cut down on the couple of meetings a month that I go to as well... not feeling as though I need to go to every single one. I need more margin.
I'll still keep blogging. That's therapeutic for me. I really need an outlet for all the stuff that floats around my head and writing is a good way to do that. Plus, it keeps my family up to date on everything we've been up to. But I'm just not sure how much else is going to happen.
When I start having fantasies about having something happen that puts me in a hospital, I know there is too much on my plate. And when I feel overwhelmed, I am not the parent my children need me to be. So I'm taking my own advice and changing my schedule so that I have a better chance of being that good parent.