I'm sure I'm not the only one
In the adoption world, some things are discussed openly, but other things are not. When we first adopted, very little was written about difficult transitions (at least that I could find). Everything was 'rainbows and happy trees' and every child was happy and grateful to be in a new family. Oh, sure, there might have been a few tears at the beginning, but after a week or two everything was hunky dory. So when our experience was not like this, I could add 'adoption freak' on my list of things that were hard. I discovered when I wrote about it that many people did share my experiences and they, too, felt as though something was wrong with them. We are all so afraid that others may think there is something wrong with us that we do not share the truth about what adoption (or parenting or marriage or...) is really like and cause others to think they are the only ones.
We are now on our third adoption and I have learned some things about myself. While I attach very easily to my newborns, I know that it takes me a bit longer to attach to my newly adopted child. This has nothing to do with the child (well, OK, if the child is actively hating you, it does have something to do with it) and has everything to do with me. I'm great at first, but the overly patient and understanding act is very draining and it's tiring to keep up. So long about, oh, now, I am wondering when this new child stops feeling like a neighbor's child who has overstayed her visit.
That sounds horrible, doesn't it? I mean, I'm the one who brought her here. I knew she wouldn't speak English right away. And I can't really complain that she is thrilled to have a mommy and daddy who love her and she wants to show that love all the time. In no way do I come off looking good in this story and perhaps this is why no one mentions it.
People talk about "fake it 'till you make it", meaning that you pretend you have feelings for a child when in actuality they are still developing and over the course of time the need to pretend no longer exists. But it's one thing to say this and another thing completely to talk about how it really works. It means having to override natural inclinations and force yourself to do otherwise. It means not quickly stepping into the bathroom when you hear the child approach... even though you want to. It means plastering a grin on your face while the child says one of her five English phrases, again, though that phrase is currently equivalent to nails on a chalkboard. It means trying to keep the annoyance out of your voice when explaining something again, for possibly the 15th day in a row.
I have felt this way with each of our adoptions (though I will add it is more difficult the older the child). I wasn't surprised when these feelings started and I know they will eventually disappear as the mobile that is our family settles back into a balanced state. But in the meantime, it's tiring. The trouble is, I don't put my self-care plan into place until I get so exhausted by it all that I'm overtired, grouchy, and as a result sick. (Like right now, for instance.)
Since I know I can't be the only one to experience this, even if no one talks about it, here's my plan for managing.
We are now on our third adoption and I have learned some things about myself. While I attach very easily to my newborns, I know that it takes me a bit longer to attach to my newly adopted child. This has nothing to do with the child (well, OK, if the child is actively hating you, it does have something to do with it) and has everything to do with me. I'm great at first, but the overly patient and understanding act is very draining and it's tiring to keep up. So long about, oh, now, I am wondering when this new child stops feeling like a neighbor's child who has overstayed her visit.
That sounds horrible, doesn't it? I mean, I'm the one who brought her here. I knew she wouldn't speak English right away. And I can't really complain that she is thrilled to have a mommy and daddy who love her and she wants to show that love all the time. In no way do I come off looking good in this story and perhaps this is why no one mentions it.
People talk about "fake it 'till you make it", meaning that you pretend you have feelings for a child when in actuality they are still developing and over the course of time the need to pretend no longer exists. But it's one thing to say this and another thing completely to talk about how it really works. It means having to override natural inclinations and force yourself to do otherwise. It means not quickly stepping into the bathroom when you hear the child approach... even though you want to. It means plastering a grin on your face while the child says one of her five English phrases, again, though that phrase is currently equivalent to nails on a chalkboard. It means trying to keep the annoyance out of your voice when explaining something again, for possibly the 15th day in a row.
I have felt this way with each of our adoptions (though I will add it is more difficult the older the child). I wasn't surprised when these feelings started and I know they will eventually disappear as the mobile that is our family settles back into a balanced state. But in the meantime, it's tiring. The trouble is, I don't put my self-care plan into place until I get so exhausted by it all that I'm overtired, grouchy, and as a result sick. (Like right now, for instance.)
Since I know I can't be the only one to experience this, even if no one talks about it, here's my plan for managing.
- Get enough rest. I need to be sure to get to bed at a decent time every night. I am running a marathon and it is taxing.
- Allow myself actual respite time. I cannot be "on" all the time, so need to plan in breaks where I don't have to be patient with anyone.
- Have a plan for interacting with the new child. If I am the one seeking her out, it is better for both of us.
- Don't over schedule things. Just like I have a tendency to mastitis from over doing when I have an easy newborn, having an older than baby new child gives me the illusion that I can go back to life as normal. The trouble is, life isn't normal even though I am not recovering from childbirth. I have to give myself permission to take things easy.
It's actually fairly simple when I look at it written out, but if I don't follow it I become a candidate for grouchy mother of the year.
_____________
Linked to Death by Great Wall's Paint Me a Picture of Older Child Adoption link-up.
_____________
Linked to Death by Great Wall's Paint Me a Picture of Older Child Adoption link-up.
Comments
I appreciate you sharing so honestly. I would say that I have not felt bad about my feelings developing slowly but I have been part of some great yahoo groups so I expected the process to be drawn out.