Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Day 14 (part 1): Uncle!

Our last full day in China started off a bit rocky.  I feel in writing this blog that I navigate a fine line between being considerate of my children's privacy and being honest about some of the difficulties that raising children brings us.  This is especially true when it comes to TM.  Many people who know my son in real life read this blog and I don't want to color their opinion of him by what I write.  But I also don't want to sugarcoat some of his challenges.

He had done pretty well through the whole trip, but something set him off this morning and we still have no idea what.  The whole episode wasn't pretty.  I won't go into details, but suffice it to say J. and I probably will never show our face in the hotel we stayed in again.  I was in tears by the end and we were all a bit shaken.  Thankfully A. was with us and was able to take H. on a walk around the hotel during the worst of it.

My son does so well so much of the time.  For instance, just the day before, he came running up to me because he wasn't sure I had kissed him yet that day and wanted to be sure he got kissed.  But when he is not OK, he is really not OK.  Somewhere deep inside he still has so much hurt and pain and anger from everything he has gone through and lost.  Did I mention anger?  I ache for him, but I am also concerned.  We need to do something to help him come to grips with his anger because I fear for the older child/man he will become if we do not get him the help he needs now.

And so we will be seeking out a therapist to help him.  I am open to suggestions.  We need someone in the Chicago area who has experience with adoption and trauma, who is a Christian, and who doesn't assume the parent is the problem.  A therapist who also understand homeschooling and will not try to pressure me to put him in school would be a bonus.

And please pray for my boy.  So many people have hurt him so deeply that the pain he feels is enormous.  But I know nothing is too hard for God.

4 comments:

Lucy said...

Probably some people can give you good specific recommendations, but if I were looking for a therapist I would go to Focus on the Family (1-800-A-Family), Jim Dobsons' organization, which specializes in helping families find help from Godly people when they need it.

LawMommy said...

"Somewhere deep inside he still has so much hurt and pain and anger from everything he has gone through and lost."

I understand and empathize 100%. (I mean, I empathize (sp?) with your experience and sympathize (sp?) with TMs...we have some of these same issues with L~.)

MamaPPod said...

Kay Holler. Adoptive mom specializing in attachment issues. No number handy, but I can get it for you if you are interested.

Janet and Kevin said...

So totally can empathize with your post today. When we traveled last August to bring home our Sophia, we also took Philip and Elijah with us. Philip only had a day of issues. That was because we stayed at his former foster village, Shepherd's Field, and the first day he was worried that his nannies would try to take him back. He loved living there with them, but now that he has a mommy and daddy and siblings, he didn't want to leave us. Our hearts broke, but we assured him over and over that they were not going to take him back. He was ours forever! After that first day, Philip had a wonderful time our entire trip.

But Eli - oh my! It had only been a year and a half since he had come home, and his adjustment to his new family and life was very, very traumatic and at times, just plain awful. He had been severely neglected at his orphanage and that transferred to a very difficult time for him in dealing with anything. So when we took him back to bring home a sister, he just melted the entire trip and then for several months once we were home.

We jokingly said that Eli whined and misbehaved all across China, and that wasn't far from the truth. The trip brought back such awful memories for him, we are sure, and we could see it in his demeanor. Oh how sad it made us to see him take such huge steps backwards.

But, I am so happy to say that we can see him healing and going in the right direction now. We did go to a thearpist here in Indy - Rick Sudsberry - a very good one for attachment and bonding issues in adoption. I know it is a long drive for you though, but he is quite good. We visited him right before we left, thinking we were there to help our transition with our new daughter, but instead he helped us tremendously with Eli. He prepared us for the setbacks that would occur (and they did), and we feel he helped us prepare our hearts to help Eli through the bad stuff.

Will be in prayer for you to find a good counselor for your son.

:)
janet and gang

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