As you might have guessed, this hasn't been a very good week around here. Good friends who were on the same timeline as we were received their TA a week ago while we still wait. Not only is it difficult to know that we can't plan yet on when we will meet H., it also means that we will most likely not get to travel with our good friends. It all just stinks.
And while it is disappointing and frustrating, my reaction to it had been out of all proportion to the problem. For the past week, I had plunged into a despair I have never experienced, its intensity increasing daily, with yesterday being by far the worst. I ceased to function. My children watched a lot of videos and J. made a lot of dinners when he arrived home. More than once I found myself locked behind a bathroom door, sobbing and sobbing. I would regain my composure and come out only to find myself overcome by sorrow several hours later. This went on for days.
A small glimmer came to me yesterday that this was not normal sorrow and disappointment. Even at the time I knew my reaction was over the top, yet was powerless to do anything about it. It felt as though despair was being poured into me and the only thing I could do was to cry it out. I have never felt such despair.
I woke up this morning, for the first time in a week, feeling as though I could face life again. I had hope again that we would receive our TA and we would bring home our little girl. I even felt as though I could manage even if it didn't arrive today. (Which is good, because it didn't.) I had some hopeful emails on other things in my inbox as well as a note from a friend who felt compelled to tell me something that had been revealed to her in her prayer time, as she was praying for me. That satan was having so much fun ruining my joy.
Without a doubt, I believe this is what was happening to me. It was a new twist on the opposition we have had since beginning this adoption. I won't kid you, it was dreadful. But I know where the turning point was yesterday. I knew I couldn't handle much more; I was done in. The only thing I could do was to repeat over and over, "The Lord gives and takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord."
The title of this post is from Psalm 30, verse 5. I sincerely hope that the next post I write will be titles with the next line. Go look it up.