Thursday, February 23, 2012

Weeping may tarry for the night

As you might have guessed, this hasn't been a very good week around here.  Good friends who were on the same timeline as we were received their TA a week ago while we still wait.  Not only is it difficult to know that we can't plan yet on when we will meet H., it also means that we will most likely not get to travel with our good friends.  It all just stinks.

And while it is disappointing and frustrating, my reaction to it had been out of all proportion to the problem.  For the past week, I had plunged into a despair I have never experienced, its intensity increasing daily, with yesterday being by far the worst.  I ceased to function.  My children watched a lot of videos and J. made a lot of dinners when he arrived home.  More than once I found myself locked behind a bathroom door, sobbing and sobbing.  I would regain my composure and come out only to find myself overcome by sorrow several hours later.  This went on for days.

A small glimmer came to me yesterday that this was not normal sorrow and disappointment.  Even at the time I knew my reaction was over the top, yet was powerless to do anything about it.  It felt as though despair was being poured into me and the only thing I could do was to cry it out.  I have never felt such despair.

I woke up this morning, for the first time in a week, feeling as though I could face life again.  I had hope again that we would receive our TA and we would bring home our little girl.  I even felt as though I could manage even if it didn't arrive today.  (Which is good, because it didn't.)  I had some hopeful emails on other things in my inbox as well as a note from a friend who felt compelled to tell me something that had been revealed to her in her prayer time, as she was praying for me.  That satan was having so much fun ruining my joy.

Without a doubt, I believe this is what was happening to me.  It was a new twist on the opposition we have had since beginning this adoption.  I won't kid you, it was dreadful.  But I know where the turning point was yesterday.  I knew I couldn't handle much more; I was done in.  The only thing I could do was to repeat over and over, "The Lord gives and takes away.  Blessed be the name of the Lord."

The title of this post is from Psalm 30, verse 5.  I sincerely hope that the next post I write will be titles with the next line.  Go look it up.

5 comments:

MamaPPod said...

...but JOY comes in the morning. May your joy come, and SOON!

hugs, P

Robyn said...

You don't know me, but I have been reading your blog for almost a year, and your posts lately have been worrying. What you describe sounds like symptoms of clinical depression, which is a biological disease, can severely impair how you function and how present you can be for your family (sounds like your last post?), and can be treated effectively. Even if it's related to situations and not "out of the blue", there are effective ways to treat depression, both using therapy techniques and using medication. I believe that God wants us to use all the means we have to take care of our bodies and minds, to do God's work in the world.

You don't know me, I don't know you, but I would urge you to ask whether your ability to be the best mother, wife, and person is being limited by this. If it is, can you think and pray on finding some help? You could start by talkign to a doctor you trust. Reading posts like this makes me worried about you and your family.

You didn't mention it, and you're probably not thinking it, but if you have any thoughts of hurting yourself or others, please see someone about it right away. Depression can be a deadly disease.

Love and prayers,
Robyn in MN

Shonya said...

Yes, yes, yes! I think I hear exactly what you are saying! We recently made a big move and I was getting frustrated with myself for feeling so down, wondering if we had made the right decision in *where* we moved, if we were following God's "best" for our life, missing friends and church family, etc. I went to a prayer meeting at a local church (where I didn't know a soul, chuckle) and one of the ladies shared the passage from Lamentations 3 and talked about praying these words when she was under oppression. Bells just started clanging in my head: I was being oppressed! The devil was sending me these feelings to derail me, to render me ineffective! Somehow recognizing it removed me from his power as I went immediately to the Lord in prayer for a shield. I'm so thankful for your friend who shared what was revealed to her and will join her in praying that your shield of faith would enable you to withstand the fiery darts of the evil one.


19. Remember my affliction and my wanderings,the wormwood and the gall!

20 My soul continually remembers it
and is bowed down within me.

21 But this I call to mind,and therefore I have hope:

22 The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;his mercies never come to an end;

23 they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.

24 “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,“therefore I will hope in him.”

25 The Lord is good to those who wait for him,to the soul who seeks him.

26 It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.

Ann said...

I was reading Isaiah 9 yesterday and the heading is, "To Us a Child is Born." verse 1 is, "Nevertheless there will be no more gloom for those who were in distress."

I thought of you.

Also, read Is. 10:1-2 It reminds me of the delays you have had.

My heart is with you--thank you for sharing your truth and your heart--it is so helpful for others who have walked in your shoes.

What a glorious day it will be! Joy is coming!

Anonymous said...

Apparently joy was a bit delayed and arrived in the afternoon. J just shared. So glad for you all!
~Hannah

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