Thursday, December 01, 2011

But if not...

We are currently on day 39 of our wait for our LOA to adopt H.  (Still fuzzy on the adoption lingo? Here's an explanation.)  And each day brings a whole host of mixed feelings.  I really, really want to have that LOA because it means that this is actually going to happen.  Every day we do not receive it, I have a little fraction of worry that grows just a little bigger that someone will change their mind and say no.  And every day I think a little harder about what it will be like to bring this little girl into our home.  I don't regret our decision at all, but there are moments where I wonder if I can do this.  This being having a child who is facing multiple surgeries to remove the tumors and then significant facial reconstruction because the tumors have caused abnormal bone growth.

When we went into this, I knew that it would be an eventful year, though when we first started, I had an (unrealistic) expectation that we would have traveled by now or would be very close to travelling. I didn't know that the eventful year would be of a more spiritual battle-type of eventful, but it was.  I think there are some things that one just doesn't want to know in advance.  However I still believe that there will be miracles involved in relation to bringing H. home.  I really do believe that God can heal her.  I don't know if it will be an out and out healing or if God will enable to the doctors to do miraculous things, but I know He can heal her face.  

But if not...

Do you recognize those three little words?  They have a big story behind them.  Well, two stories, actually.  They originally come from the book of Daniel in the Bible.  It is what Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego say to the king before he throws them into the fiery furnace.  That they know that their God can save them, but if not, they will still not bow down and worship the golden statue of the king.  

They also play a part in the story of the Miracle of Dunkirk.  In the early 1940's, a British expeditionary force was sent into France to try to stem the advance of German troops.  Instead, the ~350,000 troops were caught on the coast of France with the English channel behind them and the German troops advancing toward them.  It would be certain annihilation. A message was sent to England from the surrounded troops which contained three words:  But if not.  Upon receiving the message, the British recognized it for what it was... a last ditch declaration of standing up for what is right in the face of certain death.  In a matter of hours, thousands of British boats of all types and sizes were launched across the British channel.  This fleet of boats managed to save nearly the entire British army and bring them back to England.  It these troops had been lost, it could have caused a very different end to the war.

But if not...

I know that God can heal H.  I also know that He may choose not to.  We did not agree to adopt her thinking that once we got her the surgeries she needs she will look like any other child and then our lives will go on normally.  We know that there is always the possibility that she will always look different.  I do pray that God chooses to heal her fully and completely for her sake.  I want her to be pain free.  I want her to be able to experience going out in public and not be subject to people's stares.  I want her to look in the mirror and be happy with what she sees.

But if not...

I pray that God grants us the grace to love her enough so that she is content with who she is and with how God has created her.  That we can communicate that it doesn't matter what someone looks like on the outside, but who they are on the inside.  That we can be the parents that she needs.

1 comment:

Amy said...

Adopting children with big special needs can certainly be scary. I thought this first six months home was going to be nuts juggling everything our two boys would need. It hasn't been easy but I can also say it has been amazing. God has so blessed our family for stepping out in faith and has provided everything we have needed. My faith has grown watching God step in to meet our needs and give us the strength to do what we have needed to do to help our boys. We are not done yet but I know God is with us and He will be with you and H as well. I think it can often take going beyond what we think we can handle if we are to see God's biggest blessings in our life. It forces us to be more dependent on Him and that is where we should always try to be. A hard task for a type A person like me and I have gotten the feeling from reading your blog that you are also type A.

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