Thursday, April 07, 2011

Trauma stinks

I hate the fact that my son had so much pain and loss in his early life.  I hate the fact that  I can't go back in time and make it better.  I hate the fact that other than hold him, love him, and help him name what he is feeling, there is nothing I can do to make the hurt go away.  And I hate the fact that after all these years, I am still not clued in enough as a mother to talk about these painful things when I first start see warning signs and wait until things come to a head and start talking about them as a last resort. 

This morning was not one of my finest moments as a mother.

But, we have (all) reached calmness again... perhaps more calmness than we have had for three days.  And we have some things worked out that might help my boy mend at least some small hole is his being.  We will be installing the Rosetta Stone Vietnamese language program which I bought when we were waiting to bring him home.  It turns out that it really bothers him that he can no longer speak his first language and really wants to relearn it.  This will be a first step.  I would still love to find a live tutor to help with language, but that can come later.  He is pleased at starting the computer program.

I know that there is still so much inside of him that he has neither the words or ability to name at the moment.  But, we keep working... and praying.  There are moments in parenting that bring me to my knees, at least figuratively this morning, because it's hard to be literally on my knees and hold an 8 year old boy on my lap at the same time.


asian~treasures said...

Oh, I so understand...our girlie was only 2 1/2, but there are days that her grief is still so raw & real to her. I, too, have those moments when I look back & realize I should have dug a little deeper to figure out the behavior instead of reacting to what I see...

Toddler & older child adoption, while HUGELY amazing, is sometimes uncharted territory for al involved.

MRK said...

We are right there with you this week. Our 6 year old, home for just 5 months, has started to express a lot of grief. In the past, she has rejected her native language and discussions of Ethiopia to some extent, but at other times has wanted to talk about them. Yesterday, she sobbed for an hour in our laps and told us that she wants to go back to stay and not come back here. I know it is all a part of the process that she needs to go through, but it is so hard as a parent to know how to assist her. We, too, held her on our lap. We talked to her and listened to her and showed her photos. But there is so much that we don't know and that she doesn't recall clearly and that none of us has the words to discuss together yet due to the language barrier we still face. I know just what you mean about how there are warning signs that these feelings are surfacing but that we can miss them when they show up in behaviors we may be trying to correct/redirect. On the bright side, at least there IS a Rosetta Stone program for Vietnamese. There isn't one for Sidamic. I'm glad you were able to find something like that to please him as you find your way through these challenges.

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