Yet another book

The non-fiction book (or at least one of them... I tend to have multiple non-fiction books going at once) that I am currently reading is Emotional Agility: Get Unstuck, Embrace Change, and Thrive in Work and Life by Susan David. I am interested in the idea of emotional agility because through watching some of my children first learn to identify emotions and then learn to navigate those emotions I've learned that this emotional intelligence is essential work to healing from their pasts. I'm finding it to be interesting reading. 

As in many brain science books written for a popular audience, this one highlights various neuroscience studies that have been performed and then relates those results to the topic at hand. Often there are books listed in the bibliography or noted in the end notes which will give me new titles to read on those specific subjects. There is no bibliography in this book and the end notes do list sources, but sometimes it just doesn't feel enough. Perhaps there isn't more writing on the subject, but boy, it's just weird enough that it seems there should be. 

The topic I am wanting more information on is the idea of social contagion. No, this isn't Covid related, but it seems that behavior can be caught much like a virus. These are casual contacts it seems and not just the people you spend the most amount of time with. Researchers have shown obesity and divorce as being two behaviors that can be influenced by social contagions. It also seems, based on what I've just read, that like a virus, you can be influenced by friends of friends without having ever met them. 

Now, I don't know about you, but the whole idea is just weird and crazy, so I want to know more. The end notes are not terribly helpful. Have any of my brain geek friends out there heard of this and have resources for me? I'm just so curious!

The reason the author brings it up in the book has to do with decision making. More specifically the number of times we make decisions essentially on auto-pilot without actually thinking about them. The antidote to social contagion seems to be (if I am understanding her argument correctly) becoming more purposeful and mindful about the decisions we make in our lives and how they line up with what we say is important to us. 

I have one more bit of information from the book I want to share. It's more of a technique actually. I know from talking with people and having people contact me with their stories that many of us (and I certainly include myself here) have those nagging voices running in the background very eager to point out all of our failings. You know the voices... 

"You're not smart enough to do that."
"You always mess things up."
"You're too shy to make friends."
"You're not as good a parent as _____."

"You can't do anything right."

These are just the tip of the iceberg. I'm sure if I asked, every single one of you could share ten more statements that run perpetually through your head. These are not true and they are not helpful, but it sure can be hard to ignore them sometimes. 

Here's the technique that was mentioned for dealing with them. Pretend you are driving a car. You know where you are going and you want to get there. Now, imagine all those voices saying unhelpful things sitting in the back seat of the car. You treat their words as you would any back seat driver's words. You hear them, but you keep driving. We can acknowledge back seat drivers yet not let them interfere with us going where we want to go. 

I thought this was brilliant. I love the mental image of those hamsters all talking from the back seat, but because I'm the driver not only do I get to choose what I'm listening to on the radio, I can also choose to ignore my passengers. Acknowledging they are there and actually having to pay attention to them are not the same thing. 

I'm a good ways into the book and am looking forward to finishing it. I highly recommend it.