Behavior is communication
There are a couple of truisms that you will run across when you begin to investigate a connected style of parenting. One is that children (and I would extend this to people in general) do the best with what they have. Sometimes what they have isn't very much, though. The second is that behavior is communication. All behavior, particularly what is considered bad behavior is a person's way of trying to communicate something. Sometimes the person isn't even sure what the exact message is except that they are feeling very upset and do not have words to put to what they are feeling.
Younger Me would have had a lot of difficulty with both of these concepts. Older Me thinks they are spot on, and I wish I could have gotten them through Younger Me's head a whole lot sooner. But to someone who hasn't really struggled with the ideas before they can be hard. They mean that how children (and people) work is not quite so cut and dried as we would like to think. There are far more shades of grey than the black and white of good behavior and bad behavior. People are messy.
Younger Me saw bad behavior and fixated on the behavior. It was wrong. There needed to be consequences so that it didn't happen again. After many years of consequences for "bad" behavior and not seeing those consequences have any effect that it slowly dawned on me that perhaps the equation was not quite so simple as I had thought. It was the beginning of a new relationship with my children.
Instead of focusing on the behavior (and yes, some of it was hard and didn't make me happy), I began to ask the question of the reason behind the behavior. More often than not what was the real issue was driven by fear or anger or grief or frustration. Difficulties that a particular child was afraid to confront. Why would they not feel able to confront the real issue? Well, fear that their concerns wouldn't be taken seriously, fear that they would be punished, an inability to form the words to communicate their feelings, mistrust of the person in authority, fear that it wouldn't change anything, fear that their worst fears would come true are some of the many real issues that we have dealt with. When we were able to address the real issues, the behaviors ended. It was really that simple... and that difficult.
I believe that this principle works with societies as well. They are made up of people, after all. Behavior is communication. Yes, rioting and looting is not considered "good" behavior, but it is looked at in light of what is it communicating, it actually makes perfect sense. This is societal communication writ large, which is no different than what my hurt children were also communication. Fear and anger and frustration. Fear that things won't get better. Fear that no one cares. Fear that their worst fears will actually come true. Anger that no one will listen. Anger that some lives are not considered as valuable as others based solely on the color of a person's skin. Frustration and anger that things never change. When forced into a corner, you do what you can to communicate what you are feeling and what you need.
I challenge any white person to really look deep inside themselves. If you experienced deep and systemic racism which affected every part of your life, made you fear for yourself and your loved ones, and no one seemed to listen or care even when you tried to communicate those feelings "playing by the rules", would you be able to sit back and do nothing? Or would you communicate how you felt in ways to finally get other's attention? I am so angry at the racism and murder that happens in our country. I feel this way and in truth, I am not personally affected by it. I continue to live in my white bubble of privilege. If I were in the middle of it, if it directly affected my family, if it made me fear every single time someone I cared about left the house, I could see myself joining in. I would want someone to listen. I would want someone to acknowledge that things are horrible. I would want someone to want to listen and to fix it.
"A riot is the language of the unheard." -- Martin Luther King, Jr.
It all boils down to communication. Are we going to listen?
Younger Me would have had a lot of difficulty with both of these concepts. Older Me thinks they are spot on, and I wish I could have gotten them through Younger Me's head a whole lot sooner. But to someone who hasn't really struggled with the ideas before they can be hard. They mean that how children (and people) work is not quite so cut and dried as we would like to think. There are far more shades of grey than the black and white of good behavior and bad behavior. People are messy.
Younger Me saw bad behavior and fixated on the behavior. It was wrong. There needed to be consequences so that it didn't happen again. After many years of consequences for "bad" behavior and not seeing those consequences have any effect that it slowly dawned on me that perhaps the equation was not quite so simple as I had thought. It was the beginning of a new relationship with my children.
Instead of focusing on the behavior (and yes, some of it was hard and didn't make me happy), I began to ask the question of the reason behind the behavior. More often than not what was the real issue was driven by fear or anger or grief or frustration. Difficulties that a particular child was afraid to confront. Why would they not feel able to confront the real issue? Well, fear that their concerns wouldn't be taken seriously, fear that they would be punished, an inability to form the words to communicate their feelings, mistrust of the person in authority, fear that it wouldn't change anything, fear that their worst fears would come true are some of the many real issues that we have dealt with. When we were able to address the real issues, the behaviors ended. It was really that simple... and that difficult.
I believe that this principle works with societies as well. They are made up of people, after all. Behavior is communication. Yes, rioting and looting is not considered "good" behavior, but it is looked at in light of what is it communicating, it actually makes perfect sense. This is societal communication writ large, which is no different than what my hurt children were also communication. Fear and anger and frustration. Fear that things won't get better. Fear that no one cares. Fear that their worst fears will actually come true. Anger that no one will listen. Anger that some lives are not considered as valuable as others based solely on the color of a person's skin. Frustration and anger that things never change. When forced into a corner, you do what you can to communicate what you are feeling and what you need.
I challenge any white person to really look deep inside themselves. If you experienced deep and systemic racism which affected every part of your life, made you fear for yourself and your loved ones, and no one seemed to listen or care even when you tried to communicate those feelings "playing by the rules", would you be able to sit back and do nothing? Or would you communicate how you felt in ways to finally get other's attention? I am so angry at the racism and murder that happens in our country. I feel this way and in truth, I am not personally affected by it. I continue to live in my white bubble of privilege. If I were in the middle of it, if it directly affected my family, if it made me fear every single time someone I cared about left the house, I could see myself joining in. I would want someone to listen. I would want someone to acknowledge that things are horrible. I would want someone to want to listen and to fix it.
"A riot is the language of the unheard." -- Martin Luther King, Jr.
It all boils down to communication. Are we going to listen?
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